What parent behaviours, rather than style, matter most for children’s success? 

From an article by Behavioral Scientist

For over 50 years scholars have relied on a list of parenting styles that sorts parents into buckets labelled; authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, or neglectful based on how they interact with their children.

The idea of parenting styles originated in 1960s discussions about child-rearing, and the list aimed to identify the basic elements of successful parenting. In the ensuing decades, the idea that one of these styles produced accomplished, socially competent kids, while the others did not, took root in the academic literature and the popular imagination. The authoritative style was the clear winner.

Labelling parenting styles implied that researchers could forecast how kids raised with different types of parents would turn out. But the problem was that there was little compelling causal evidence that one style was better than another. In fact, we did not even have a consensus about objectively measuring different styles. And we lacked evidence about how to help parents adopt and sustain a new style of parenting. 

So we set out to help find out scientifically what parent behaviours, rather than style, matter most for children’s success.

Raising a child is fundamentally a series of decisions, big and small, made every day that sum to the thing we call “parenting.” Whether it’s getting your child to school, reading to your child, or helping them learn math, parents constantly make decisions that affect their children. We decided to focus our research on how parents make decisions about their children and what decisions matter the most.

What we’ve found is that in most situations, parents generally know what decisions they ought to make. In our surveys, parents tell us that they know that reading books will improve their children’s reading skills and that spending time doing math activities will improve their child’s math skills. Parents also say that they find joy and meaning in spending time with their children during these activities. The problem is that some parents chronically make decisions about their child that are out of step with what they know is beneficial for their child and say they want to do.

This is both good and bad news. The bad news is that parents, when making decisions about their kids, are subject to the same cognitive barriers that often prevent us from making optimal decisions in other areas of our lives, from our finances to our fitness. We can be short-sighted, influenced by present bias, and swayed by things like stress, distraction, and mood. The stakes are high when we fail to make the best decisions about our money or health, but they’re even higher when we fail to do so as parents. Parents are decision makers whose choices are far-reaching both for individual human development and collective societal well-being.

The good news is that it is possible to help parents close the gap between their intended and actual decisions. For instance, we know we can help parents follow through on their intentions by first helping them recognize they are making decisions all the time that have a long-run impact on their children’s future. Framing parenting as a series of important decisions shifts parents’ focus from the personal dynamics or style of their interactions with their child to the decisions they make for their child.

Parents should know that perfection is not the goal, and it is not going to ruin their children if they occasionally skip dinner for dessert, go to bed without brushing their teeth, or miss out on extra math for a movie. Rather, it is what we as parents do with regularity that matters the most. With that in mind, we can work to find out which behavioural tools support parents in setting and meeting goals for their decisions. When reminders are effective and when they’re not. What prompts help the most and why. When bedtime means “now” and when that boundary can be porous.

The science, like children, and like parents, is a work in progress.

Read the full article here.